Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
