In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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