I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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