My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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