We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
