rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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