I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
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Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
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Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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