I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
