I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
