I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
