I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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