my phone needs a breathalizer
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
