sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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