i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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