Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
