she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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