I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
