The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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