Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
