I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
