Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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