I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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