He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
