you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
