I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I stole a fireplace last night.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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