I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
