I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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