Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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