Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
time to smoke my breakfast
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize