I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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