i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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