i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
