my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
