your thong is hanging out like whoa
It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
