tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
