And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
