It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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