I will die if light touches me.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
