i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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