Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
