Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm like, not good at living.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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