By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
