I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
True college students do jello shots in the library
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
