I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
