I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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