I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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