im drinking this country out of the recession.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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