my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Let's get the cat blown out
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
