apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
