while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
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He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
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Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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