O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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