i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
