Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
