Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
