just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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