So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
